There is something else I could be doing right now, but right now the full opportunity to pour my heart is the only thing I can think of doing. I don’t even know how to categorize what I’m feeling which make everything even worse!
None of the options are Happy though, I can tell you that much. There is so much background and ground work to be laid regarding this story that it is nearly impossible to make you informed just based off of this one post but man o man… I am for the first time in a long time in real life at a loss for words.
It was my choice to be truthful to the man that I once wanted to propose to me in the light of the recent situations but I didn’t ever think I would blame my self for feeling this way. I DESERVE to have a time when I can be selfish, and now I am looking at myself for being Truthful, Selfish, Self-less, Caring, Responsible, ARRGGGG!!!
A few weeks ago I got a call from my ex. Briefly before we were in a relationship we were friends, and even as we began a relationship beyond friends we continued to build as friends above all else. As a friend he called and talked to me just to shoot the shit which turned into a conversation that exposed the many things that he was dealing with. Finally getting a divorce after he tried to make it work for years, not being able to see one of his kids, and being able to regularly see the other kid of his.
The Wife he is divorcing is a woman his grandmother introduced to him while we were dating. The same grandmother that would invite he and I over to have dinner with him on Sundays and any day in between. Him thinking that I shouldn’t read too far into some of his Grandma’s actions like requesting that he drive the woman to the grocery store for her and the Grandma being sly as a fox opened my eyes even wider to what would come. What inevitably occurred was that I wouldn’t stand for the nonsense that would occur now more regularly than I could stomach, him accompanying her, her children, and her girlfriends to the planetarium. Him helping her move. Too much. I didn’t even all the way put my foot down I don’t think. I may have just let things drift apart with fair warning. Not wanting to give up, Not wanting to drive him towards her, Not wanting to be a catalyst in their uniting it happened anyway.
No matter how much you tell someone a situation is not fit, right, or healthy for them they have to try and see for themselves.
Sometime shortly after or maybe before he fathered a child. I can’t really tell you the timeline of any of it because the whole time period was a major blur for me. It was like waking up and finding out the friend and man you had were BOTH gone. At the same time. That’s what happened. And in these years that have passed I have not found a single person to replace either. Sure, it strengthened me over the years but NOT without tearing me down first.
The child that he cannot see has made me feel some type of way even in the years past. There were times when I felt that the mother was keeping him away from his son because of me, and how happy he was with me, and they couldn’t make it work. She expressed her self in a similar manner but never in my heart did I want to believe that I could be the cause of another woman’s hurt. and I wasn’t. for a short time I was a scape goat maybe, but she knew and in many ways expressed just how mean-spirited she could be. Still It’s been years since he has been able to see his first born and my heart ached for him. True friend never stop loving each other, and will ALWAYS be friends so how could I not?
And though we had many false ending in the conversation I knew there was still something nagging at him that he didn’t want to speak on, but him covering up this issue was louder than any words he could ever speak. And finally it came about. His concern that the child he fathered a few years ago, may not be his. That he has his suspicions. As a friend I comforted him in that he should not feel bad about wanting to know for sure. And that he can find out the results without having to stir trouble from the mother.
And though I felt him and understood to the best of my ability his pains I couldn’t help but to later think selfishly.
If this baby isn’t his will this make me feel better about him? I’ve never truly hated him, and a few years back he did finally issue a sincere apology, but the apology still does not ever compensate for the life that you felt you should have had with that person. ME!! I should have been the woman to have his child! This was what we talked about, what we both wanted. Selfishly I contemplated on how I should be the woman that he has problems with and would gladly be the one to have ups and down with him. I didn’t take on the role of a woman scorned because I guess I was too busy still hoping to be the woman that deserves a fairytale ending, All she wanted and deserved!!!
Then not much longer than 10 days later I got a slightly frantic and concerning call from him. Stating that he was leaving work to go be with his ex-wife as her 2 boys had been missing for several hours.
He asked me to pray for them/her/their/his family. No words could have been heavier.
And before the real weight of the statement could sink in I did as was asked with a clean and clear heart. Never in a million plus years would I not act accordingly when it comes to the well being of a child or even an adult but I couldn’t help but to have a bit of uneasy feelings on the issue. How are you supposed to feel when someone asks you to PRAY for the woman that you were left desolate for? Do you know what the term DESOLATE means? A place deserted, bleak, empty, bare. HOW do you pray for her? Him? Their Children?
Then as predictable as I am, when I didn’t get an update I got concerned and had to come clean to God again and request again that they be returned safely. I found out the next day that they were returned home unharmed, but now… I’m conflicted. And what did I do today?
I told him the source of my confliction and the truth of how I felt. Having to pray for his family when I didn’t want to. Being asked to pray for a family structure that I wished didn’t exist. Advising him on how to go about building the best relationship with the mother. Trust, Honesty, and still being WISE while still making the best of the situation with a child’s bloodline. This for a child that I really don’t want to be his. If it’s not his child, and he is finally granted the divorce he is returned as the man that left me, with a lot more wisdom such as I wanted.
But the price paid for it all may have been too heavy for me. So for tonight I will continue to cry because for once I don’t know what to say. For once I don’t know how to feel. For once I can’t really talk or think my way out of this one….
Such is Life.
**Deep inhale** **Deep exhale**
What do you smell? Most likely its something that you have put out into the atmospehere. Your breath, your scent, your beliefs. All right there in your immediate air for you and everyone around you to sense.
I recently had some spare time where I was able to over indulge in something I never even think about:TV!! Most times I was watching with family members and almost always it was either a movie or a SVU marathon. As much of a pleasure it was it also was a learning lesson about love unconditional, acceptance, and fear.
As commercial breaks came on I noticed one person would always get squeamish or negative regarding a television show ad with gay men advertised. The commentary regarding the dislike for a certain show was usually cloaked in words of rejection and general unacceptance until they became more direct. This is when I noticed the repetitive distaste for gay males in television and in general.
I watched and took note for almost 2weeks before the opportunity presented itself before I asked “Why don’t you like males that are gay?” This took us through a 2 hour spontaneous conversation about loving people as they are. Fully depicted by scenarios using mutual friends, family members, and even ourselves as example subjects. But even as another party entered the conversation briefly and could clearly see both sides that were being discussed the other party was not allowing themselve to understand the words that I spoke nor admit outwardly that there WAS truly a difference in the way they viewed the Gay and Lesbian community. Though it was apparent in their distain to all things representing the gay community they refused to believe that they had such an apparent hate for them. But was able to slightly admit that anyone in that life style “Has nothing to talk about” and that they could “never have anything in common with me”. As they believe that their entire world view is unlike any normal person.
Though I was not tired of stating my views on the issue I realised it was time for me to bring our discussion to a close. Thankfully I was able to drop the final nugget of conversation in a way that made the opposer see what I meant regarding their unacceptance. I know they didn’t immediatly decide to go and hug or love every gay or lesbian in a 20 mile radius. But they took a minute and let their reactions on the subject sink-in… Ting!!! Mission Complete!
For a brief moment…the opposition smelled the air around them and realised that what they put out was not as pleasant as they thought.Some stenches you can’t cover up, and hate is one of them.
This conversation was a pleasant reminder to evaluate the things I say versus what I show and how I love. And I hope everyday its unconditionaly.
The very next day I felt a.lot better. Today I feel better than the day before…
I think I just need to do things to put me back on the other side if life. This life I’m living now is most certainly not for me.
Thinking, thinking, thinking…
Re-evaluating what I have to offer.
Sometimes there isn’t a single thing in this world that can stop you from crying or make you feel better. And the more you search the harder it gets to see.
So now that my nose is runny, my ears are soaked, and my eyes hurt… I’ll lay here. I’ll breathe in deep to try to slow my breath and appreciate my existence.There are days when I don’t appreciate it as much as I used to, but amen I never resent it. Right now is just “one of those moments” in “one of those days” that just come bout.
Thank God I don’t have to explain it to anyone because my energy is just NOT there. Right now my only solution to the sadness that exists is to just BE. I don’t even know where it came from. I just know its here.
♬I need your grace/to remind me/ to find my own. ♬
(I guess that will be the very last time I watch Pretty Woman and eat chocolate cupcakes back to back… The results are absolutely depressing.)
Who do you do it for when you have no motivation left?
It’s a constant struggle, but I have to remind myself its my job to be the best Me I can be every… day.
That take a WHOLE lot…
(Imma need a bigger: ⚓)